Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 3

When I was a young chap (a couple of centuries ago) I would go clubbing / cruising every weekend with my two friends. There`s Pat, the small, tough as nails, silent rebel, and also Chris, the loud mouth, accident prone type. Last but not least, I`m Tom, the one in the middle.    

Rise of the it

It was a Friday night

Around eight o` clock p.m.

I was waiting for a phone call

From Chris

or Pat
or both

we where supposed to go out together

I was dressing up

Trying to look good, if that` s a possibility

While having a smoke

The phone rang, it was Chris

Hey man you ready to go out

Of course bro

I` m fucking thirsty and horny

In no particular order

Where you wanna go?

Oh one of our usual dives

You mean one of them hellholes on St-Laurent street

Exactly my man

I` ll go anywhere except café Cléopatre

I don` t wanna go there either

What about Chris ?

He should be here in a couple of minutes

Where you guys want to meet up ?

Let` s see around nine thirty p.m.

St-Laurent street corner of St-Catherine

In front of La Belle Province

Done deal my man

I` ll see you guys there

Ciao

I arrive there nine fifteen pm

It` s cold and humid

Now it` s starting to rain

I enter La Belle Province, order a hotdog

lotsa cabbage and hot mustard

I pay, have a seat next to the entrance

I` m inside, nice and warm

It` s nine forty five and I` m waiting

Ten o` clock, still fucking waiting

They arrive around ten thirty

Google eyes and gone

How come you` re so damn late I ask

Did you guys smoke up without me again ?

Just a little bit

But we have some more, ah, ah, ah…

We go in the back alley, smoke a couple of doobies

Now we` re back on St-Laurent street

All buzzed and stoned out of our minds

Chilling out

Where should we go Chris asks

I dunno man

Maybe we should go to Tavern Alouette Pat says

Good idea man

I think it` s worst than Midways

That` s why I wanna go there Pat says

Let` s go

You know you` re going to a real dive

When you open the door, and realize it` s a huge metal door

With bulletproof glass

We sit down , light up some smokes

Waiter arrives 6 foot 6, dark air he weights around 250 pounds

250 pounds of muscles

he looks mean and tough

I` m thinking to myself

Is he a waiter, a bouncer or both ?

We order some pitchers, pay up and start drinking fast

We` re thirsty like hell

That` s what happens when you smoke up too much

A couple of pitchers later

And all the ugly whores start to look good

Ah, the joys of drunken oblivion

Then she walked in

It was a transvestite

He was trying

To act / look like a girl

Was it a she?

Or maybe an he?

I don` t know

It was an it

let` s call it and it

It was

A six foot three

Barney Gumbles look a like

With a tight mini skirt

Unshaved legs

And testicles hanging out

Maybe it was wearing

A g string

A thong

Or nothing at all probably

A big, hairy set of balls indeed

Upon seeing this

After smoking a couple of joints

And drinking a shitload of  beer

Pat, Chris and myself

We tried

But we couldn` t control ourselves

And started laughing loudly

Suddenly

It walks next to me

Pulls out a butterfly knife

Sticks it on my neck

And with a nosy voice, says

You find that funny bitch

No sir

Then at the same time I notice

Da rack

It had really big tits

And I was thinking

Are those implants?

Fake boobs?

Or silicon valley territory?

It realized I was staring at it` s breasts

Grabs them both and says

You can` t afford those bitch

And me

Being the drunken moron that I am

I wouldn` t even fuck you with my friends dick here

Next thing I know someone punches me on the face

I fall on my back, lose my glasses

I` m trying to get up then I get kicked in the head

Without my glasses I` m blind as a bat

Someone falls on the floor close to me

I bash it` s head on the concrete

It` s all blurry but I see chairs flying 

People throwing beer bottles, glasses

It` s escalating fast

Becoming a full bar room brawl

I` m still trying to find my fucking glasses

Pat helps me get up

You have my glasses bro?

No, Chris has them

Where is he?

Outside I guess

We hear police sirens in the background

Closing in fast

We have to get out before the cops come in

I see a dark shadow appearing in front of me

I kick it in the balls

And I grab something big before it slowly falls on the floor

A big plastic structure

C` mon Tom let` s get the hell out of here

Cops are coming

What the fuck are you holding dude?

Shut up and run man

We split up and I take a cab

Go back to my place, lay on my couch

Fall a sleep immediately

The next day Chris gives me back my glasses

What` s  that thing on your couch Tom?

The transvestites fake plastic boobs

That story happened more than twenty years ago

Those fake plastic breasts

They sure are a good pillow indeed.