Painful Defecation - songs about Jesus sampler (cassette)

I recently received a small parcel from local underground comic book  legend Kurt Beaulieu. He send me a small zine and an audio tape. `Painful Defecation`  is senior Beaulieu`s  own solo noise \ experimental noise project. I have maybe five or six different Painful Defecation CD`s at my home. Even though I`m open to almost everything, I`m not a particular fan. The CD`s are full of songs (which is a good thing) but most of said songs are too short and seem to fall apart. They sound like samples or rough drafts i.e. unfinished pieces. This is a hsort cassette (under 23 minutes) with seven tracks. Here`s a small description of what`s in store for us….

1- le docteur Manta reapparait: meditative ambient noise (recalls Forbidden Planet soundtracks at times).

2- grunderzeit: alien experimental muzak & low-fi beats (simply adorable).

3- Sonia et Lilly; low-fi beats colliding with weird noise bytes and processed voice (welcome to strangeland brothers and sisters).

4- german sex (pedo bear mix); ambient noise done with various processed sounds.

5- la seconde venue de Maurice Papon: peaceful, yet meditative ambient noise.

6- mormor, mor, mor, mor: more ambient noise.

7- blorp exz: low-fi electroacoustic noise maybe?

I`m impressed, this is the best Painful Defecation album. All the songs are pretty damn amazing, they flow well together, highly recommended. I wonder if Kurt is still using and old Mac to record is stuff. I`ll try to get an interview later on. You can download a bunch of albums here:

http://painfuldefecation.bandcamp.com/

The man`s got his own blog too:

http://sabineetsesamies2.blogspot.ca/

art is everywhere part 9

I recently received a small parcel containing a cassette and some zine, courtesy of Kurt Beaulieu himself. I will eventually review his tape, but first things first the art. Enjoy the show!!!

He also does his own little blog here:
http://sabineetsesamies2.blogspot.ca/
More information and downloads regarding his solo music/experimental noise project (Painful Defecation):
http://painfuldefecation.bandcamp.com/

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 7

Da brawl

During those troubled times

Mid nineties I think

I`m not sure because I`m getting old

And my memory

My eyesight

My sex drive

My hair

They all seem to disappear slowly

Dying isn`t that bad, getting older

Now that`s something in itself

What were we discussing ?

At `Chez Margot`  we have some newcomers

Hot blooded latinos

A little loud maybe, but cool folks nonetheless

Most of them where really bad pool players 

Easy trimmings I say

More pitchers of beer for us three

I remember this guy

Small, chunky with short black hair

I think he was in his mid fifties or something

A Peruvian named Nunez

He was the worst player I met

Easy to beat when sober

It gets worst when he`s drunk

It`s not even like taking candy from a baby

More like taking money from a quadriplegic child

It`s bad and sad at the same time

Because he`s losing and the more it happens

He becomes aggressive like hell

A Peruvian Tasmanian devil if you will

I hate to win against folks like him

Believe you me

I`m a hustler with a conscience

Not

But I have a reputation which speaks for itself

And I like my reputation, dammit

It was one of those nights

I beat big Tony

One of the calmest persons

I`ve met

He speaks real s-l-o-w

D-a-m-n  I j-u-s-t  l-o-s-t  a-n-o-t-h-e-r   p-i-t-c-h-e-r

Thanks for the game big guy

I-t-`s  c-o-o-l

Hey Nunez you`re next my man

Not this loser again me think

Pplay you for a pitcher

Say what ?

Wanna pitcher

You want to pay me a pitcher

Nno play for a pitcher

He says

Or so it seems

You want to play for a pitcher

Is that it Nunez

Ffuck yeah

I don`t think it`s a good idea bro

I beat you when you`re sober

Now you`re drunk as a skunk

I mean

It`s not worth it

WADDYA MEAN IT`S NOT WORTH IT !

AM I NOT WORTHY ENOUGH FOR YOU ASSHOLE ?

I shouldn`t have said that I think

Now he`s pissed off

That`s not what I mean my friend

You sure you are able to play ?

Ffuck yeah

You sure ?

Look at you, you`re gone dude

I DON’T CARE ILL BEAT YER SORRY ASS

Then let`s go`

My break Nunez

If I could be totally honest

This will be the last time

After this game  

You will never

And I mean never

Want to play pool

With me again

Bang!!!

Three low balls on the break

The two cross side

Four top corner pocket

Six bottom right corner

Five top right corner

The eight ball`s left

It`s near the side pocket

The white ball is just in front

I bend down

Look Nunez straight in the eyes

Told you this was your last game

Eight side pocket

I sink the eight

Without looking at the white ball

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

He breaks his stick on the pool table

Pierre arrives fast

Ready to throw him out

It`s alright Pierre

It was an  accident

It was ?

Wwaz an accident Nunez stutters

Okay then

Nunez Pitcher if you please

Thank you

Greg

Yo Greg you`re up

Bet a beer pitcher Tom ?

Sure thing

That`s what I came here for

I light up a smoke

Look around

Something`s happening

Near the jukebox

I see Gerry screaming

At one of the new guys

He`s  Mexican I think

I despise Gerry

He represents

Everything I hate about the

Whole goddam human race

He`s arrogant and ignorant

At the same time

Just like

Salt and pepper

Bread and butter

The perfect mix indeed

One of them loud mouth assholes

Which sounds something like this…

You know if I was GM

I would trade  

Ed Ronan, Lyle Odelein, Turner Stevenson

To the Pitsburg Penguins

In exchange we would get

Jaromir Jagr and maybe a second round draft pick

Yeah right

In your wet dreams dickhead

He knows everything

He has all the answers

And yet

Such a genuine Einstein

Who is so smart and intelligent

Is on fucking welfare

He talks the talk

But doesn`t

Walk the walk

I hate idiots like him

Unfortunately

The world is full of them

Just look around

They usually become in charge of something

And I`m thinking

Wouldn`t it be great

If somebody would kick his ass

If his mouth was full of stitches

He would finally shut the fuck up

Nobody would hear his constant nagging

Hey Tom stop daydreaming and play

Sorry Greg

I got distracted

You`re hearing Gerry`s loud mouth again

Tell me something I don`t know

You think they`re gonna fight

Naw Gerry`s a wuss

All talk and no action

Anyways

Gotta go take a leak

I`m near the washroom

What the hell is this ?

They`re blocking the entrance

Still screaming at each other

I go near them

Sorry guys I gotta piss

It`s an emergency

I push them lightly

I`m almost inside

Next thing I know

Something or someone

Hits me on the back of me head

I fall on my knees

Then

Beer is poured on me

I lose my glasses

I`m blind as a bat

I get up

Still confused

It`s all a blur

There`s some sorth of commotion happening

I still have to piss goddammit!

I enter the washroom

Empty my bladder, wash my hands

Grab the handle and open the door

Damn my glasses are under the pool table

Got to get them

I pick them up and put them on

What the fuck is this ?

Everybody`s fighting

Whites, blacks, latinos, everyone

Pierre`s kicking this small guy

He looks at me and screams

Tom Julian needs help

I look around

I can`t see her

I see this huge latino guy near the bar

He`s holding Julian and feeling her nipples

Motherfucker I`m thinking

Good for me I like them big

Lotsa room to hit them

As long as they don`t connect first

You`re okay

I go behind him

`mamma ma la verga cabrone`

Huhh,

I punch him in the face

He laughs and throws Julian on the floor

He turns around

I give him a left hook

He starts to laugh

Is that your best shot cabrone he asks

No this is

I kick him in the balls

It never fails

He lands on a table

They both fall loudly on the floor

I kick his head a couple of time

Just to make sure

He`ll stay down

King Kong`s dead I`m thinking

Then

A fist hits me on my right shoulder

Wrong side bitch

I`m left handed

I grab an unidentified bottle

Bash it on the head of my unknown aggressor

I hit him twice for good measure

Feels good

Amidst all this violence and chaos

I do feel alive for once

Must be the adrenaline rush

Or something

I hear sirens in the distance

Closing in fast

Come on guys we have to get out

The cops are coming

I can`t afford to get arrested

We use the back door to exit

Best idea I`ve ever had

We arrive at the corner of Jean-Talon street

There`s about ten police cars

Parking in front of our favorite dive

We split up

Going separate ways

What a night

Free pitchers of  beers and a bar room brawl

To end it

Too bad I didn`t get laid

There will be another night

With girls, hustling and beers

In no particular order

That was the last time

I went at `Chez Margot`

After Nunez`s antics and the brawl

It just didn`t feel right

Going back there

Time to move on to new territory

Next stop `Pizza Plaza`

End of part one.

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 6

A shitty affair

Went to Harvey`s for supper

Had two hot dogs, some fries

And a big ass root beer

I`m full

Feeling good

That`s what I call

Raw preproduction drinking

You make sure

Your stomach is full

Before engaging

In gambling and drinking activities

The food

Gets  slowly digested

And

You won`t get drunk right away

Nice and slow that`s the way to do it

Nice and slow baby

You will eventually

Get drunk

But nothing like drunken craziness

More like a run of the mill

Drunken stupor

The next day

You`ll wake up

With maybe a small headache

That`s all

You`ll be functional

Almost normal

Dare I say decent

If there`s such a word

But anyways

It`s Friday night

I enter `Chez Margot`

Around 7.00 PM

The place is empty

There`s a new waitress

And Pierre`s sitting near the jukebox

Pierre is our bouncer

He doesn`t look

Like your typical  bouncer

He`a a skinny, 5 foot 9 guy

With long curly brown hair

He looks like a cool hippy

He`s a cool guy

Rarely gets mad

The last thing

You wanna do

Is fuck with him though

He has a black belt in karate

Now you`re thinking

Roadhouse

You`re totally wrong here

Though I`ve seen Pierre

Brawl with the best of them

His reputation precedes him

There`s rarely a fight here

There was a full bar room brawl once

I will talk about it later

Anyways

Back to our story

I say hi to Pierre

Wanna shoot some pool Tom ?

Sure thing

Play for a pitcher ?

I don`t like pitchers

Play for a small beer ?

Ok let`s go

Your break Pierre

Bang !!!

Three low ones on the break

Five top corner

Shit I missed

My turn

Fifteen left corner

Nine side pocket

Ten cross side

Eleven right corner

Fourteen right cross corner

Twelve combo side pocket

Thirteen left corner

Eight cross side

You fucker you cleaned the table

I know (with a grin on my face)

Sorry about your damn luck

A Budweiser will be fine

Revenge match Pierre ?

Sure thing let`s go

We play some more

I beat Pierre some more

Pierre`s my best victim  

He`s trying to beat my ass

While emptying ashtrays

Cleaning the tables

Checking out the place

For troublemakers and whatnot

He can`t concentrate much

So I often win

He never gets mad at me though

That`s why I like him

Around 8.00 PM

My buddies are here

Pat and Chris in the house

Tom what the fuck is this ?

Three empty small buds ?

Where`s the pitchers ?

The place is empty

Aside from Pierre

There`s Paul here

Gerry`s  at the bar

And Tina`s in the washroom

There`s nobody to hustle

You know what that means ?

We have to pay for beer

Downer dudes

Next Friday

We`re going to Pizza Plaza across the street

Pat says

Good idea

Yeah nobody knows Tom there

Sure thing

We spend the evening drinking some

Smoking some

And drinking some more

We only stop for a piss break

Except me

You see

I`m a dromedary

I keep lots of liquids inside

I rarely take a leak

But when I do

It`s because I`m full

I don`t have a choice

I urinate about two or three times

In the evening

I takes me approximately

a minute and a half to piss

it`s that time again

I light up a smoke

Get up

And enter the washroom

As soon as I enter

Something doesn`t feel right

Something`s wrong here

What the fuck is this ?

Paul`s sitting on the washbasin

With his pants and boxers pulled down

The fuck are you doing Paul I ask

What does it looks like I`m doing

I`m taking a shit

What`s wrong with you ?

There`s an empty washroom just here I point

I know

Then why are you taking a dump

On the washbasin ?

Pierre bangs Julian

Every night

I hate the fucker

He thinks he`s so cool

`cause he has a black belt

`cause he`s got long curly hair

`cause he`s fucking Julian

Well I got something for him

Something big

Something ugly

And something really stinky

Wait until he comes in here

To clean the washroom

He`s gonna have a heart attack

Paul that`s  not cool man

I don`t care

I can`t wait to see the expression on his face

Tom you`re not gonna  report me

Are you ?

You know I`m not a stool pigeon

I hate stools

Then I`m thinking

Better get out of here first

So Pierre won`t think

I thrashed the washbasin

I finish  my piss

Wash my hands and exit the place fast

Then sit down

Light up another smoke

Look at my two buddies

Straight in the eyes

And say

Guys I`m serious

Don`t go in the washroom right now

And why is that Pat asks

There`s a huge shit in the washbasin

What ?

You joking Tom ?

Does it looks like I`m joking ?

Oh shit here`s Pierre

He picks up his mop

Enters the washroom

It must have taken

Ten seconds maybe

Suddenly

Bang !!!

He kicks the door open

WHO THE FUCK TOOK A SHIT IN THE WASHBASIN ?

He screams loudly

The place is silent

Nobody answers

He looks at me

I try

But I can`t help myself

And start laughing

He comes near me

You think it`s funny Tom ?

You did that ?

Of course not

You know who did ?

I don`t know sweet fuck all

He goes back

And cleans the mess

The rest of the evening

Was pretty ordinary

We split up

After last call

The next day.

Saturday night

7.45 PM

Chez Margot again

playing pool with Pierre

Tom what you did yesterday

Was wrong man

I don`t understand

You knew it was Paul

Who took a shit and dirtied the washbasin

And you didn`t tell me

I don`t know what you`re talking about

Did you know when you were talking

Someone else overheard you guys

You see Gerry was in the closed washroom

Taking also a shit

He told me everything after last call

I`m sorry Pierre

I`m not the kind of person

Well…

I`m not a stool pigeon

I know I forgive you

But Paul when he comes in

And I know he will

He`s here every night

I`ll throw him out

The fucker will never come back here

Yeah I know Tom I`ll tell him

There was somebody else

In the washroom

Who overheard you guys

Then at the same time

I see Paul outside

Going near the entrance

Pierre also sees him

He races to the entrance

Goes outside

Kicks Paul in the face

Paul falls on his back

Kinda shocked, speechless

While Pierre screams at him

God knows what he`s jabbering about

Pierre goes back inside

Picks up his pool stick

Eight ball corner pocket Tom

You owe me a small Bud

Sorry about your damn luck

Revenge match Tom ?

No thanks, I`ve had enough

Paul never came back here

No one ever mentioned his name

His whereabouts are unknown

That was the last time I saw Paul

I miss him though

The pizza delivery guy

Who looks like a used car salesman

He must be dead

Because this story happened

More than fifteen years ago

He`s either drinking top quality beers

With the angels

Or drinking warm, stale 0.5 % beer

In a warm place

If  there`s such a thing.

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 5

Paul at the helm

As I said before

Paul was the only person

Who discovered

My oh so subtle hustling techniques

He was the Barney Gumbles

Of  Brasserie `Chez Margot`

But those tales happened

Late eighties and early nineties

Maybe Matt Groening  visited Montréal

Spent an evening `Chez Margot`

And used good old Paul as a drunken muse

I`d doubt it though

Every bar

Every dive

Around the world

Has their own Barney Gumbles version

It`s part of the human equation

Paul had grayish hair

Thick round metallic glasses

I think he was late fifties, early sixties

He looked like a broker

Businessman

Used car salesman maybe

I`d walk in `Chez Margot `

Around 7.30 PM

I`d see Paul sitting at his usual spot

The first table next to the entrance

I`d say hi and that would be it

I don`t know why

We never talked much

The longest conversation  we had

Was when we where taking a leak

I remember

We used to talk about the new waitress

She had long dark hair

Sexy blue eyes

That were glowing in the dark

With a set of…

Anyways

She looked like a siren from heaven

Or maybe hell

She was really popular with the gents

Easily understandable

A lot of girls were getting jealous of all that  attention

So they started spreading rumors

Saying Julian was a whore

She was sleeping with all the guys

Bullshit I say

I never banged her

I know Julian

And Pierre (the bouncer)

Had a thing together

They would be leaving together

Every night

Holding hands

You don`t have to be a rocket scientist

To figure that one out

A couple of guys

Were jealous of  Pierre

How so fucking human

I never understood jealousy though

What`s the point ?

You`re hurting yourself

With your insecurity

And you`re hurting others

Trying to bring them down with you

So you don`t feel alone

In your own little personal hell

It`s pretty lonely

Being in the dark

But anyways

Back to our story

It was a Friday night

I walked in all alone

Pat had a big ass cold

And Chris

Was busy with his new girlfriend

Lucky him I though

He`s getting some

Lucky me

More beer for me I though

Nobody is playing pool

The place is almost empty

It`s early February

And I`m sitting all alone

Aside from Paul

I don`t know anybody  here

Might as well join him

Hey Paul mind if I have drink with you my man

Sure thing Tom, have a seat

Here have a smoke

Thanks Tom

My pleasure mon ami

Paul you wanna  play a game of pool ?

Paul looks me straight in the eyes and says

Tom I`ve watched you

And I know you

More than you know yourself

You`re gonna ask me to play for a pitcher ?

You`re gonna hustle me for beer ?

Like you do every weekend ?

When you come in here

With your two friends

Paul you got it all wrong

It`s true I play a couple of games

For a couple of beers

But I don`t do it all evening

After all

I came here to drink

With my friends

Not to play pool all night

You know what I mean

Hey, I know

Exactly what you mean

When you`re too drunk to play

You keep telling

The same excuse

Every weekend

Dude, win or lose

This is me last game

I  came here to drink with me mates

Not to play pool all night

Fuck, I`m screwed

He knows my little trick

I don`t know what to say

My face is so damn red

I look him straight in the eyes

Well

Well what Tom ?

What are you gonna do ?

Sweet fuck all

What ?

Hey if those idiots

Are so fucking stupid

They don`t realize what you`re doing

Might as well

Screw them more

After all Tom

YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!

YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!

Good thing the place is empty

I though

Nobody hears him scream

I`m saved by the bell

The hustler`s bell maybe ?

We started talking about music

Turns out

Paul is a blues fan

I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble

Live twice

I proudly say

Where ?

The Olympic Stadium

You`re shitting me

No I`m not

There was four bands that evening

He was the opening act

After there was

Peter Tosh

Talking Heads

And The Police

Must have been a good show

Indeed my man indeed

Saw him last year

At the Spectrum

He literally blew the place man

I can imagine that

Wow!!!

Pierre comes and sits down

The place is empty

I`m fucking tired

Last call dudes

But Pierre

It`s only two o`clock

Give us a chance Paul says

Sorry guys

Drink up and I`ll see you tomorrow

Alright

We finish up

And proceed to go outside

It`s cold

And particularly humid

That Pierre what a dick

Not only is he banging Julian

But now he`s kicking us out

I`m gonna go in

Kick his ass

Take it easy Paul

If you kick his ass

We`ll have to find another drinking spot

Besides

The beer`s dirt cheap here

You`re right Tom

I know

Wanna share a cab ?

I parked my car at the corner of the street

Wanna lift Tom ?

Sure thing dude

He opens the car doors

We sit down

Light up some smokes

And away we go

Where do you live Tom ?

St-Michel boulevard

Corner of Villeray street

That`s not too far

Something`s wrong here

My spider sense is tingling

Paul is driving really slow

Hey man

You`re driving kinda slow

Everything alright ?

I have to be careful Tom

I don`t want to lose my job

I`m a pizza delivery guy

What ?

I deliver pizza you fucking douche bag

I got that one

I`m not that stupid you know

I`m sorry man

I should`nt be driving

How come ?

I don`t have a license anymore

And why is that ?

Got too many DUI

If the cops catch me

I`ll end up in jail

For sure

And I`ll probably be

Some inmate`s bitch

`cause I`m so small

And how are you feeling now ?

I ask

Pretty loaded

At what time did you arrive

Chez Margot ?

I got in around ten thirty am

And you never left

I left with you Tom

That`s all

Damn !

And I`m thinking

If we get busted

Paul would probably be

The kind of guy

To tell the cops

That I was the one

Who told him to drive

Even

If he was drunk as a skunk

Gotta get out of here

Gottta find something

Think of a plan

And think fast dude

Hey Paul

I get off next street

That`s not your stop Tom

I know

You see

I know this cute girl

Which lives on this here street

If I make it fast

I could bang her right now

Why fast ?

It`s simple

Her boyfriend works the graveyard shift

I go inside

Do ma thing

And get out before nine am

And I`m still alive

Tom you motherfucker

Not yet

I never met her mom, ah, ah, ah

Well anyways

Thanks a lot for the lift Paul

Anytime

Have a good banging session

Have a good night

I get out

Pretend to go inside

The apartment

Wait until he`s gone

And walk back to my home

It`s a good thing

I came up with that improvised lie

Otherwise

I would still be inside his car

And maybe

I wouldn`t be here

To tell the tale

Of

Paul at the helm.