Sunday, 24 February 2013

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 5


Paul at the helm

As I said before
Paul was the only person
Who discovered
My oh so subtle hustling techniques
He was the Barney Gumbles



Of  Brasserie `Chez Margot`
But those tales happened
Late eighties and early nineties
Maybe Matt Groening  visited MontrĂ©al



Spent an evening `Chez Margot`
And used good old Paul as a drunken muse
I`d doubt it though
Every bar
Every dive
Around the world
Has their own Barney Gumbles version
It`s part of the human equation
Paul had grayish hair
Thick round metallic glasses
I think he was late fifties, early sixties
He looked like a broker
Businessman
Used car salesman maybe
I`d walk in `Chez Margot `
Around 7.30 PM
I`d see Paul sitting at his usual spot
The first table next to the entrance
I`d say hi and that would be it
I don`t know why
We never talked much
The longest conversation  we had
Was when we where taking a leak
I remember
We used to talk about the new waitress
She had long dark hair
Sexy blue eyes
That were glowing in the dark
With a set of…
Anyways
She looked like a siren from heaven
Or maybe hell
She was really popular with the gents
Easily understandable
A lot of girls were getting jealous of all that  attention
So they started spreading rumors
Saying Julian was a whore
She was sleeping with all the guys
Bullshit I say
I never banged her
I know Julian
And Pierre (the bouncer)
Had a thing together
They would be leaving together
Every night
Holding hands
You don`t have to be a rocket scientist
To figure that one out
A couple of guys
Were jealous of  Pierre
How so fucking human
I never understood jealousy though
What`s the point ?
You`re hurting yourself
With your insecurity
And you`re hurting others
Trying to bring them down with you
So you don`t feel alone
In your own little personal hell
It`s pretty lonely
Being in the dark
But anyways
Back to our story
It was a Friday night
I walked in all alone
Pat had a big ass cold
And Chris
Was busy with his new girlfriend
Lucky him I though
He`s getting some
Lucky me
More beer for me I though
Nobody is playing pool
The place is almost empty
It`s early February
And I`m sitting all alone
Aside from Paul
I don`t know anybody  here
Might as well join him
Hey Paul mind if I have drink with you my man
Sure thing Tom, have a seat
Here have a smoke
Thanks Tom
My pleasure mon ami
Paul you wanna  play a game of pool ?
Paul looks me straight in the eyes and says
Tom I`ve watched you
And I know you
More than you know yourself
You`re gonna ask me to play for a pitcher ?
You`re gonna hustle me for beer ?
Like you do every weekend ?
When you come in here
With your two friends
Paul you got it all wrong
It`s true I play a couple of games
For a couple of beers
But I don`t do it all evening
After all
I came here to drink
With my friends
Not to play pool all night
You know what I mean
Hey, I know
Exactly what you mean
When you`re too drunk to play
You keep telling
The same excuse
Every weekend
Dude, win or lose
This is me last game
I  came here to drink with me mates
Not to play pool all night
Fuck, I`m screwed
He knows my little trick
I don`t know what to say
My face is so damn red
I look him straight in the eyes
Well
Well what Tom ?
What are you gonna do ?
Sweet fuck all
What ?
Hey if those idiots
Are so fucking stupid
They don`t realize what you`re doing
Might as well
Screw them more
After all Tom
YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!
YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!
Good thing the place is empty
I though
Nobody hears him scream
I`m saved by the bell
The hustler`s bell maybe ?
We started talking about music
Turns out
Paul is a blues fan
I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
Live twice
I proudly say
Where ?
The Olympic Stadium
You`re shitting me
No I`m not
There was four bands that evening
He was the opening act
After there was
Peter Tosh
Talking Heads
And The Police
Must have been a good show
Indeed my man indeed
Saw him last year
At the Spectrum
He literally blew the place man
I can imagine that
Wow!!!
Pierre comes and sits down
The place is empty
I`m fucking tired
Last call dudes
But Pierre
It`s only two o`clock
Give us a chance Paul says
Sorry guys
Drink up and I`ll see you tomorrow
Alright
We finish up
And proceed to go outside
It`s cold
And particularly humid
That Pierre what a dick
Not only is he banging Julian
But now he`s kicking us out
I`m gonna go in
Kick his ass
Take it easy Paul
If you kick his ass
We`ll have to find another drinking spot
Besides
The beer`s dirt cheap here
You`re right Tom
I know
Wanna share a cab ?
I parked my car at the corner of the street
Wanna lift Tom ?
Sure thing dude
He opens the car doors
We sit down
Light up some smokes
And away we go
Where do you live Tom ?
St-Michel boulevard
Corner of Villeray street
That`s not too far
Something`s wrong here
My spider sense is tingling
Paul is driving really slow
Hey man
You`re driving kinda slow
Everything alright ?
I have to be careful Tom
I don`t want to lose my job
I`m a pizza delivery guy
What ?
I deliver pizza you fucking douche bag
I got that one
I`m not that stupid you know
I`m sorry man
I should`nt be driving
How come ?
I don`t have a license anymore
And why is that ?
Got too many DUI



If the cops catch me



I`ll end up in jail
For sure
And I`ll probably be
Some inmate`s bitch
`cause I`m so small
And how are you feeling now ?
I ask
Pretty loaded
At what time did you arrive
Chez Margot ?
I got in around ten thirty am
And you never left
I left with you Tom
That`s all
Damn !
And I`m thinking
If we get busted
Paul would probably be
The kind of guy
To tell the cops
That I was the one
Who told him to drive

Even
If he was drunk as a skunk
Gotta get out of here
Gottta find something
Think of a plan
And think fast dude
Hey Paul
I get off next street
That`s not your stop Tom
I know
You see
I know this cute girl
Which lives on this here street
If I make it fast
I could bang her right now
Why fast ?
It`s simple
Her boyfriend works the graveyard shift
I go inside
Do ma thing
And get out before nine am
And I`m still alive
Tom you motherfucker
Not yet
I never met her mom, ah, ah, ah
Well anyways
Thanks a lot for the lift Paul
Anytime
Have a good banging session
Have a good night
I get out
Pretend to go inside
The apartment
Wait until he`s gone
And walk back to my home
It`s a good thing
I came up with that improvised lie
Otherwise
I would still be inside his car
And maybe
I wouldn`t be here
To tell the tale
Of
Paul at the helm.

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