Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 3

When I was a young chap (a couple of centuries ago) I would go clubbing / cruising every weekend with my two friends. There`s Pat, the small, tough as nails, silent rebel, and also Chris, the loud mouth, accident prone type. Last but not least, I`m Tom, the one in the middle.    

Rise of the it

It was a Friday night

Around eight o` clock p.m.

I was waiting for a phone call

From Chris

or Pat
or both

we where supposed to go out together

I was dressing up

Trying to look good, if that` s a possibility

While having a smoke

The phone rang, it was Chris

Hey man you ready to go out

Of course bro

I` m fucking thirsty and horny

In no particular order

Where you wanna go?

Oh one of our usual dives

You mean one of them hellholes on St-Laurent street

Exactly my man

I` ll go anywhere except café Cléopatre

I don` t wanna go there either

What about Chris ?

He should be here in a couple of minutes

Where you guys want to meet up ?

Let` s see around nine thirty p.m.

St-Laurent street corner of St-Catherine

In front of La Belle Province

Done deal my man

I` ll see you guys there

Ciao

I arrive there nine fifteen pm

It` s cold and humid

Now it` s starting to rain

I enter La Belle Province, order a hotdog

lotsa cabbage and hot mustard

I pay, have a seat next to the entrance

I` m inside, nice and warm

It` s nine forty five and I` m waiting

Ten o` clock, still fucking waiting

They arrive around ten thirty

Google eyes and gone

How come you` re so damn late I ask

Did you guys smoke up without me again ?

Just a little bit

But we have some more, ah, ah, ah…

We go in the back alley, smoke a couple of doobies

Now we` re back on St-Laurent street

All buzzed and stoned out of our minds

Chilling out

Where should we go Chris asks

I dunno man

Maybe we should go to Tavern Alouette Pat says

Good idea man

I think it` s worst than Midways

That` s why I wanna go there Pat says

Let` s go

You know you` re going to a real dive

When you open the door, and realize it` s a huge metal door

With bulletproof glass

We sit down , light up some smokes

Waiter arrives 6 foot 6, dark air he weights around 250 pounds

250 pounds of muscles

he looks mean and tough

I` m thinking to myself

Is he a waiter, a bouncer or both ?

We order some pitchers, pay up and start drinking fast

We` re thirsty like hell

That` s what happens when you smoke up too much

A couple of pitchers later

And all the ugly whores start to look good

Ah, the joys of drunken oblivion

Then she walked in

It was a transvestite

He was trying

To act / look like a girl

Was it a she?

Or maybe an he?

I don` t know

It was an it

let` s call it and it

It was

A six foot three

Barney Gumbles look a like

With a tight mini skirt

Unshaved legs

And testicles hanging out

Maybe it was wearing

A g string

A thong

Or nothing at all probably

A big, hairy set of balls indeed

Upon seeing this

After smoking a couple of joints

And drinking a shitload of  beer

Pat, Chris and myself

We tried

But we couldn` t control ourselves

And started laughing loudly

Suddenly

It walks next to me

Pulls out a butterfly knife

Sticks it on my neck

And with a nosy voice, says

You find that funny bitch

No sir

Then at the same time I notice

Da rack

It had really big tits

And I was thinking

Are those implants?

Fake boobs?

Or silicon valley territory?

It realized I was staring at it` s breasts

Grabs them both and says

You can` t afford those bitch

And me

Being the drunken moron that I am

I wouldn` t even fuck you with my friends dick here

Next thing I know someone punches me on the face

I fall on my back, lose my glasses

I` m trying to get up then I get kicked in the head

Without my glasses I` m blind as a bat

Someone falls on the floor close to me

I bash it` s head on the concrete

It` s all blurry but I see chairs flying 

People throwing beer bottles, glasses

It` s escalating fast

Becoming a full bar room brawl

I` m still trying to find my fucking glasses

Pat helps me get up

You have my glasses bro?

No, Chris has them

Where is he?

Outside I guess

We hear police sirens in the background

Closing in fast

We have to get out before the cops come in

I see a dark shadow appearing in front of me

I kick it in the balls

And I grab something big before it slowly falls on the floor

A big plastic structure

C` mon Tom let` s get the hell out of here

Cops are coming

What the fuck are you holding dude?

Shut up and run man

We split up and I take a cab

Go back to my place, lay on my couch

Fall a sleep immediately

The next day Chris gives me back my glasses

What` s  that thing on your couch Tom?

The transvestites fake plastic boobs

That story happened more than twenty years ago

Those fake plastic breasts

They sure are a good pillow indeed.

art is everywhere part 3....

Heres' more flyers i.e. 'artistical' ephemera. The following pieces are actual flyers that I received by old school mail. They're pretty incredible. Check them out and maybe you'd like to contact those fine folks of the underground.

This is the back side from that flyer. Pretty graphic, disturbing material. Is this a real picture ? Some photoshop effect maybe ? Who know' s for sure...

Kapreles - soundtrack for a headache (cassette)

I got this as a trade item. Upon the first listen I taught another junk noise release. I listened to `Kapreles - soundtrack for a headache` over and over, just to have a better idea. And that`s where it hit me, around the seventh or eight round, this is an interesting and challenging noise release. This album consists of 15 tracks of various lengths and styles (total running time 73.27 minutes). There`s some computer generated vocal stuff  (tracks 1 and 5), some amazing meditative synth oriented music (tracks 6 and 9), ambient noise (number 2 and 8),  meditative noise (tracks 3 and 7), various noisy experiments gone haywire (number 4, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14), and a right wing Christian spoken word piece to conclude (in a magnificent way) this cassette. I was reading a zine while listening to this cassette, good background music indeed. My favorite songs are `cold sore` and `reverse birth, incredible ambient \ meditative synth music. Order this cassette here:

http://brotherofjudo.blogspot.ca/?zx=eff78aa4fad514ac

Kapreles is a talented artist check out his blog:

http://k8pr3l35.blogspot.ca/

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 2

When I was a young chap (a couple of centuries ago) I would go clubbing / cruising every weekend with my two friends. There`s Pat, the small, tough as nails, silent rebel, and also Chris, the loud mouth, accident prone type. Last but not least, I`m Tom, the one in the middle.    

A drinking buzz (28-08-1999)

My friend Bob and I often hang out at `Pub Le Faubourg`. We go at `Le Faubourg` `cause there`s no cover charge and the beer`s dirt cheap. It`s located downtown. You will see different folks there: punks, squeegees, prostitutes, bums, vagrants alcoholics like us and folks too weird to even try to describe. The other night we were sharing a beer pitcher as usual. We where talking about intellectual stuff like wrestling, hockey, blues music and women. We`re both bachelors and we were saying that in this modern day and age of global communications it`s still difficult to meet decent folks. To meet sleazy and easy is pretty easy. But to meet honesty, decency and quality, really ? Near impossibility baby. It doesn`t help to hang out at dives either. Hey, the beer`s cheap here you can`t have everything you know.  

                                We kept on talking while enjoying our cold beer. Usually I`m the one which gets loaded first  because I have a tendency to drink too fast (amongst other things). Bob`s a straight forward kind of guy. He drinks slowly and it takes him a thousand years before he gets there, I mean DOH, drunk. It was different tonight. I was the one relaxing and taking it easy. He was chugging it down fast. Soon I saw Bob in a drunken stupor. God! What a change!  I remember him mentioning the cute blond girl at the bar, when suddenly he, BLARGHHHH! He puked all over our table and some bits hit the floor.

I don`t know what he had for supper, that stuff was fucking chunky. Man this was really gross!!! Bob slowly started to throw the puke on the floor with his hands. I`m sorry man he said. The place was full packed and people where staring at us. I told him: ' leave that shit alone, clean yourself up and let`s get da fuck outa here`.                                                      

                 Bob told me to wait for him outside. I didn`t bother arguing with him. On my way out I didn`t mention the vomit to the waiter. I was too ashamed for both of us. I waited outside for what seemed like hours. Finally Bob got out. He failed to tell the waiter about the puke on our table.

Tom 'I`m so ashamed about what I  just  did.`                                                                                                                            `I know how you feel bro`.             

                               Needless to say we never went to that place again. Every time I think about this tale I`m always laughing. Imagine the face of the waiter when he discovered Bob`s mess (now that`s marking your territory indeed). 

                                      

From parts unknown part 2

I found this in a big pile mp3 CD-R`s (someone gave me or traded, I don`t remember, yes it`s been that long), mixed with various zines and a couple of letters. There's no address, no signature, no information whatsoever. Kudos and respect to the unknown artist out there. I like your lovely artwork. It' s inspiring material that' s for sure. It would be a great addition to any type of  zine. You`re a really talented artist, keep up the good work whoever you are.

;-)

Tree – schizophrenic architecture (mp3)

I got this from www.archives.org (along a couple of GO of various cool freebies). This is a 13 track album of tape recorder and live recordings of Tree (Josh Boutwell) recorded by hand at Steele Grinder, Fort Myers, Florida, USA. After reading said description, I was really curious so I downloaded it right away. I`m a sucker for low-fi stuff, homemade recordings, improvised insanity, well anything that`s different i.e. out there. You won`t find any Michael Jackson, Beattles or Celine Dion in my music collection that`s for sure. Every tract in here  has it`s own style and personality. A difficult , challenging listen to say the least. This album is experimental noise which rarely goes into harsh noise territory. There`s the occasional noise burst here and there, but that`s it. There`s a  good variety of sounds mixed-in to keep this recording interesting. Personaly, I like this lil `(46.28 minutes) album. The standout track is number 9 `the Burmese cynic` a short acoustic noisy blues jam session, simply excellent. Get it here:

http://archive.org/details/Tree-SchizophrenicArchitecture

Pangrea project - 4 way split (bootleg tape)

What I`d like to have right now is for all you fat and ugly commercial music lovers to shut da hell up while I take my robe off and show the women what a real noiser looks like (all jokes aside, respect to the Ravishing one). This is a short (37.06 minutes long) four way noise split featuring: Trotsky`s Water Cooler, J. Thelonious, Mike Canary and Balck Beast Of Arrrghhh. I enjoyed listening to this, yes it`s noise but it never goes into redundant, repetitive harsh noise territory (definitely a plus). And what can we expect form those fine folks ? Well, it goes something like this:

Trotsky`s Water Cooler = one track (10.17 minutes) = metal banging mixed with distortion (ouch my balls).                                                

J.Thelonious = two tracks = computer generated noise works + percussions (gimme some more).

Mike Canary = five tracks = vibrating low-fi \ sometimes harsh distortion with percussive noisy elements and some computer generated noisy moments thrown in for good measure (now we`re getting somewhere).

Black Beast Of Arrrghhh = one track (9.52 minutes) = a solid mix of: guitar, piano, bass and low-fi distortion (mighty impressive to say the least). I highly recommend this if you can find it. I found nothing on the internet yet (me think it comes from Florida, USA). Testify!