Invasion of the puppy snatcher
It`s Friday night seven o`clock
p.m.
I`m lying on my
couch
I light up a
cigarette
Phone rings
Yep
Hey Tom
Chris is that
you?
Long time no see
Indeed
So how are you
man?
I`ve been way better
bro
What`s up?
I broke up with Terry
Next thing I know
She kicks me out of the
apartment
Do you have a place to
stay?
Yeah I found a cheap
apartment
On J-B Martineau street
Close to boulevard
Pix-IX
That`s in Montréal north is
it?
Yeah
You like it down
there?
Mado is that a stripper`s
club?
Yep
I heard it was a
dive
Wanna go there
Tom?
I`m thinking about
it
But you know
me
I`m not much for going to the
strippers
There`s a cover
charge
The booze is fucking expensive
You look but you can`t touch
It`s like
You didn`t eat anything for a
couple of days
You`re oh so fucking
hungry
You`re smelling
it
You`re looking at
it
But you can`t taste
it
It`s like having a useless
boner
I prefer to watch
porn
It`s cheaper and gets me
there
You`re sick
man
Compliments will get you
somewhere
Wanna come to my place and rent
movies?
Sure let me call Pat
first
Yo Tom I`m already here
man
Pat?
Yep
Gimme your address and I`ll be
there shortly
I write down the address and
call a cab
The cab arrives I light up a
smoke
And away we
go
We finally
arrive
That will be 15.25$
sir
Here`s a twenty keep the
change
Thank you very much young
man
You`re welcome old
man
We both start to
laugh
This guy`s in his early
forties
I`m in my late twenties
For me he`s an old
geezer
And for him I look like a
kid
Now I`m in my late
forties
Wish I was in my late twenties
though
Time…
Time…
When you`re
young
It looks like you have all the
time in the world
As you get
older
You realize
Time is a luxury you don`t have
anymore
I exit the cab
Light up another
smoke
For good measure I`m thinking
I`m excessive sue
me
I ring the bell the door
opens
Tom my
brother
Chris you sick lil pup
How`s it
hanging?
Getting slowly into
it
DA THREE
MUSKETEERS!!!
Ok let`s rent some
movies
The vidéoclub is a couple of
streets from here
Let`s go
It`s cold and pouring rain
outside
Typical early November
weather
It`s cold
There`s no
snow
It`s raining
It`s so fucking
humid
You`re wearing a
coat
But it doesn`t feel like
it
Almost feels like you`re
naked
We finally arrive at the
vidéoclub
That`s when I say ok guys
We each rent a movie, then meet
up at the cash register
Yes
Alright then
Here we go
Hey
It`s a Wes Craven
Remember `the last house on
the left`?
Not the shitty remake done by Dennis
Iliadis
Yes, now that`s what I`m talking
about
With former NFL Seattle Seahawks
linebacker
Brian
Bosworth
Never mind
Brian
Lance DA MAN Henriksen plays the
bad guy
Well don`t just stand there use
your stupid phones and google it
With Jodie Foster and Anthony
Hopkins
Sir Anthony Hopkins performs a
scary as hell performance
As Dr. Hannibal
Lecter
Even though if you`re into
horror movies with serial killers
I totally recommend `Henry
portrait of a serial killer`
Need I say
more?
Next stop the local
dépanneur
That`s where we get da
beer
And lots of it
too
In case the movies are
shitty
Or good
Or average
You never wanna run out of beer
in the middle of a movie
In those times when I was young
and had hair left
I would purchase 6 to 8 710 ml
Budweiser cans
For my own
consumption
Yep I`m
thirsty
We all are
anyways
We finally arrive at Chris
place
Light up some smokes
Open our respective beers and
away we go
We would perform this friendly
ritual
Every Friday and Saturday nights
For a couple of weeks
Or months
Times sure flies when you`re
having fun
Eventually
We all caught cabin
fever
Cabin fever what a funny
expression
To be honest
We were all horny like a bunch
of hyenas in heat
We needed to get laid
We had to get
out
It was a Friday evening
I just came out of the
shower
Phone rings
Tom
WAZZUP???
WAZZUP???
Whatcha doing?
Just came out of the shower ya
dummy egg
Yes and my balls are full of
yolk too
Believe you
Don`t need to show me physical
evidence
Agreed
Wanna rent some movies again
Chris?
No I want to do something
different this time around
Ok what is
it?
Let`s go to Cabaret Chez
Mado
Mado you gotta be shitting me
right?
No I`m serious
man
We might get laid
there
Man you know how I feel about
them places?
Yes I know
but
But what?
Pat`s here and he wants to go
too
What is this a
mutiny?
I`m saying it while laughing at
the same time
It is a mutiny on the Montréal
Bounty
Ok I
surrender
Come at my place first
Tom
We`ll have a couple of
pre-production brewskies
And save us a couple of bucks as
well
Good thinking
guys
I`m leaving
ciao
Ciao Tom
I put on my new tight jeans
A nice
t-shirt
A little gel for me
hair
A little perfume here and
there
I look at myself in the
mirror
DAMNED TOM YOU SEXY
BEAST!!!
Hey
It`s free to dream on
And fantasize you
know
If you don`t believe in
yourself
If you don`t have any
confidence
Nobody else
will
I exit
Call a cab
The cab arrives I light up a
smoke
I`m about to enter when I hear
the driver
Hey buddy this is a non smoking
cab
For real?
Damn straight
There`s actually non smoking
cabs now
Of course we also drive for non
smokers
Ok then
I throw my smoke on the floor
and sit down
Where are you
going?
Pix-IX and J-B Martineau
street
That`s in Montréal north you
know that?
Why is there a
problem?
There`s a lot of blackies down
there
My wife`s black got a problem
with that?
No no not at all forget what I
just said
Eh, eh ,eh that line always
works
You throw me a right hook
And I verbally uppercut your
ass
How to easily shut up a racist
motherfucker
I should light up a smoke to
piss him off some more
Naw he`s not worth
it
I just hope he doesn`t have any
kids
Morons like that shouldn`t be
allowed to procreate
But then
again
Half of our planet would be
empty
We finally arrive
I pay him then exit his
cab
Good riddance I`m
thinking
I light up a well deserved
smoke
Hey guys !!!
Yo Tom how are
you?
Thirsty like hell where`s me
beer?
Here you go big guy
enjoy
I take a huge
sip
I drink half of me bottle right
away
Gobble
gobble
Ahhhhhhhhh
Nice
Can I have another
one?
Yeah sure thing
man
We sit down and listen to some
music
Feels good to finally
relax
Chilling out
Doing
nothing
Nothing at
all
After a couple of beers
I`m starting to feel numb and
I`m not the only one
Wanna watch a movie or
something?
Sure why not
Pat looks at
me
Hey hold on a
minute
We`re supposed to go to
Cabaret Chez Mado
Chris says it`s
true
Are you trying to pull a fast
one on us Tom?
Of course
not
Ok then let`s
go
It`s still cold and raining
outside
Man I hate this
weather
Good thing Mado`s almost next
door
About five minutes
walk
We arrive
There`s a huge guy in front of
the entrance
Long black hair with a
ponytail
About six feet eight and near
300 pounds
Oh my God another Steven Seagal
wannabe I`m thinking
is he gonna karate chop my
ass
or kill me with his bad
breath?
CHRIS YOU LITTLE
PRICK!!!
DA FUCK YA DOING
HERE?
SHOULD I KICK YOU OUT
MONTRÉAL STYLE???
You can`t catch me
Dale
I run too fast
I`ll wait until you`re drunk
Then I`ll kick you out Montréal
style
There`s no hurry bro
I know just
kidding
What is this you`ve got some
friends now
Yeah meet my buddies Pat and
Tom
Pleased to meet
you
Likewise I`m
sure
That will be five dollars
gentlemen
Sure thing
Here`s a ten spot keep the
change
Thank you very much
Tom
Anytime
I always give bouncers, barmans
and waitresses
A good tip
It always pays in the long
run
If you`re scrooge
Employees are like elephants
And you know what they say about
an elephant`s memory?
Would you like to sit close to
the stage?
This table looks fine
Yeah it`s near the washroom
too
In case of emergency you
know
We sit down and order some
drinks
We watch the girls come and
go
It`s surprising the amount of
great looking strippers
I mean Cabaret Chez Mado
is a small place
Pat spots this tall skinny
blonde
How much for a lap dance
girl?
That will be eight
dollars
Here`s a ten spot keep the
change honey
She sits on Pat`s lap in a dark
corner
I light up a
smoke
I look around and right away I
spot her
A tall woman, about six feet
two
She looks a little bit like
Hyapatia Lee
Simply
stunning
I`m hooked
She comes near
me
What`s your name big
boy?
I`m Tom and you
are?
Tamara
Pleased to meet
you
How much for a dance?
Eight dollars big
boy
Let`s do it
She sits on me and starts to
move oh so slowly
I try to hide
it
And be subtle about
it
Yeah right me
subtle
But I`m slowly getting a
boner
Hey no physical contacts big
boy!!!
But I`m not using my
hands
I`m sorry
She gets up looks at me and
laughs
BIG BOY GOTTA
BONER!!!
I`ll make it easy on you Tom
I`ll just dance in front of you
I`ll just dance in front of you
Yeah good idea
Tamara
Would you like another
dance?
No it`s cool maybe later
on
I`m sitting at our table all
alone
Pat is having another lap dance
with the same girl
Chris is nowhere to be
found
I light up a smoke and order
another pitcher
I`m drinking looking at the
strippers and relaxing
Pat comes back with the
girl
Kelly this is my good buddy
Tom
Hi Tom
Hello girl
We have a couple of
drinks
Kelly`s still lap dancing with
Chris
I`m slowly getting intoxicated
Kelly goes to the
washroom
You think those are real
tits?
I dunno man probably silicone
valley territory
I can`t tell but they`re nice
though
Agreed
I gotta know if they`re real
ones
Go ahead and ask
her
Ask her what you got fake
titties babe?
No not like
that
I dunno be subtle
Or poetic
Poetic?
Ask her in a poetic
way
Like what?
Lemme think
I got it
As I look at me cock
Which is hard as a
rock
Slowly I start to shake it
Not to break
it
Then someone knocks at me
door
SHIT I JUST CAME ON DA
FLOOR!!!
Ah, ah, ah Tom you fucking
moron
Look she`s coming
back
I think I`m gonna grab them
Hey don`t be nuts
Or we`ll get thrown out of
here
It`s cool don`t worry
man
Trust me
That`s what I`m afraid
of
Kelly comes
back
Chris says something to
her
She bends over to hear
him
Suddenly
LEMME GO
ASSHOLE!!!
She throws Chris on the
floor
I see Dale with two other
bouncers coming in our direction
I`m sitting down playing mister
cool
Usually
works
Not this time
GET DA FUCK OUTTA
HERE!!!
They grab
Chris
I`m still sitting
down
GET OUT
TOM!!!
But I didn`t finish me
beer
GET OUT GET
OUT!!!
Ok relax man
I get up
Grab me pitcher
and
RELAX TOM YOU DON`T WANNA DO
THIS!!!
I do man I
do
I hold the pitcher and chug
right away
Beer is expensive these days
I finish me pitcher, turn
around
And run as fast as I can
outside
I manage to outrun the
bouncers
Not bad for a drunk
guy
Chris is laying outside
Half knocked out half
drunk
I help him get
up
Are you alright
man?
My head`s
spinning
I`m ok
Where`s Pat?
I dunno still inside I
guess
I light up two
smokes
Thanks Tom
No problem
bro
What shall we do
next?
Go back to your
place
Drink some more and wait for
Pat
Good idea
Hey you guys wait for
me
PAT!!!
Da fuck you
where?
I was backstage sharing a joint
with this cute red head
Next thing I know Clyde tells me
he kicked you out
You grabbed Kelly`s
tits
It`s true
They were nice and firm
too
That story happened more than
twenty years ago
You`ll get a contact
dance
The stripper sits on your
lap
And you can legally fondle
anything you want
The evolution
Or devolution of
society
I don`t know
I`m going to bed
now
Sweet dreams every
body
XXX
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