Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 10

When the hustler gets hustled

Saturday morning

Woke up with a big ass headache

I`m laying in bed

I turn around

Grab my metal bucket

And start to vomit heavily

I always keep a puke bucket

Next to me bed

Just in case

You never know

What could happen

When you wake up

I`m definitely experienced

For sure

Christ I vomited a shitload of stuff

Looks really chunky

There`s bile

Some food leftovers

Chunks of a reddish substance

Blood more likely

I get up

Light up a smoke

My ribs hurt like hell

I feel like shit

And I look like shit

Now I remember

Chris and me

Got expelled from Thursdays

That huge bouncer

Kicked our asses

And while all this was happening

Where the fuck was Pat?

The phone rings

Hello

Wouldn`t you know it

It`s motherfucking Pat

Where were you last night Tom?

What do you mean where was I?

I was dancing with Terry

When we decided to take a beak

And have ourselves a drink

You where nowhere to be found

Did you hook up with some girls?

No we briefly fought with the bouncer

And we got thrown out

My ribs hurt

And Chris bad left knee is even worst

We got a beating

While you`re grabbing Terrry`s ass

I growl

Angry and pissed off

Hey relax big guy

If I was there

You know I would have helped you guys

Yeah right

What do you mean by yeah right?

You think that Terry

Would have granted you permission

To help us

I mean she`s got too much class

To hang out with such losers

Like Chris and myself

When we go out

You spend the evening with Terry

And leave us dry all evening

That`s bullshit Tom

Bullshit my ass

My ribs are still sore too

That`s no bullshit

It`s real

It`s damn real

I heard you have sore ribs Tom?

Yes Terry they sure are

Why you want to feel them?

Stop acting like a little boy Tom

Got anything else to say Terry?

Pat told me about the

Three-way hustle

Well?

I have an idea Tom

I`m listening

There`s this pub

Located on Maisonneuve street

Keep going

It`s more like a small poolhall

Yes

We could go there tonight

And you could perform

Your three-way hustling technique

What do say Tom?

Terry you`re a genius

When and where should we meet?

Eight o`clock tonight

In front of metro station Peel

Be there

I`ll see you there girl

I light up another smoke

Go to the can

Take a shower

Fix myself breakfast

Three eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, potatoes

Some toasts

And a barrel of coffee

At least

I love beer as much as I enjoy coffee

I love the smell of caffeine in the morning

Now I dress up

I look almost desirable here

Girls get ready

Tom`s on the hunt

But right now Tom is thirsty

And I`m thinking

I prefer to drink alone

Than to actually be with someone

I don`t crave human company

Even though I`m horny like a dog

I must be

The Elmore James of hustlers

That`s it

Call me

Tom James

I don`t play the slide guitar

But I`m really good with a pool stick

In a perfect world

I would be having sex while drinking

Drinking a big ass pitcher of beer

While doing it doggy style

Now that`s a striking image

S Clay Wilson would have been

Proud of me

For sure

Time to leave me place

Let`s see

I have my wallet

With lots of cash

Just in case I lose at pool

What else do I need?

My house keys

Condoms

Smokes

Peppermint gum

Well I`m ready

Let`s go

It`s seven thirty p.m.

I`m standing in front of metro station Peel

Alone as usual

I`m always the first one to arrive anywhere

I`m the early drinking bird

Hey Tom

Hey Chris

How`s your left knee?

Even worst

How are your ribs?

Still sore my man

We`re pretty early my friend

Let`s go in the back alley

And split a doobie while waiting

Sure thing

This party`s picking up

We smoke up

Exit the back alley

Googgle eyes and all

Finally

I`m chilling out and relaxing

About damn time too

Well well well

Look what the cat dragged in

Pat and Terry

You`re late

Where were you?

Well me and Terry where…

We where…

Yes

WE WHERE FUCKING LIKE ANIMALS

Terry shouts out

IT FELT GOOD TOO

Do you have any more stupid questions?

Are we gonna spend the evening talking here?

Calm down Terry Chris says

Take it easy girl

Is it near I ask?

At the corner of the street

Lets go

We arrive at the corner

Of Stanley and Maisonneuve street

It`s on the second floor guys

I see this big black and white metal sign

It reads

Bulldog Pub

Or maybe

Pitbull Pub

We enter

And proceed to go up the stairways

Wooden stairways

Wooden and noisy stairways

I hope it`s a dive

It must be a dive

Ah shit there`s a cover charge

Less drinking money I`m thinking

Never understood the cover charge concept

Cover for what?

Cover your ass maybe

Another type of hidden tax

Giving away more

Of your hard earned money

For sweet fuck all

Again

Five dollars please

Here you go dude

I give him a five dollar bill

So I won`t get screwed like at Thursdays

There`s some CCR music playing in the background

Good beer drinking music

I look around

There`s about ten pool tables

A dance floor

And a dark blue jukebox

Nice music

Lots of pool tables

Lots of nice looking women

This place has potential

We find a pool table

The waiter comes in

Chunky little latino guy

What can I get you?

We`ll  start with a pitcher of beer

Sure thing

It will be ten dollars

TEN DOLLARS I scream

Relax amigo

It`s worth it

Okay then

He comes back

With a huge glass pitcher

Well what do you think amigo?

Dude I`m in love

I don`t swing that way amigo

I`m not talking about you

I`m talking about the beer

Alright then

You happy Tom?

I`m in heaven girl

Do your thing Tom

What thing?

The three-way hustle

Here goes

I light up a smoke

Put a chair in front of the pool table

Climb on said chair

I remember saying something like this:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

MY NAME IS TOM

I HAVE A FULL PITCHER OF  BEER

SOME SMOKES

I`M ALL ALONE AT TABLE NUMBER FIVE

I HATE PLAYING POOL ALONE

IS THERE SOMEBODY

AND I MEAN ANYBODY

THAT WILL PUT ME OUT OF ME MISERY

AND HAVE A FRIENDLY

GAME OF POOL

WITH GOOD OLD TOM?

I sit on the chair

With a big smile on my face

That was stupid Terry snarls

No it wasn`t I say

Now everybody knows you`re a hustler

Bullshit girl

I never said anything about money

You attract flies with honey

Never vinegar

I`ll play you Tom

Sure thing

And you are?

Pierce

Pleased to meet you

Likewise I`m sure

We play a couple of games for fun

He`s not too good

Terry walks next to me

This is going nowhere Tom

What about

The three-way hustle?

Next game girl

Eight ball corner pocket

I miss my shot

On purpose of course

And he wins

Good game Pierce

I have an idea

Why don`t we play this game

For a pitcher of beer?

I`m not sure Tom

Why, you`re not thirsty?

Well okay then

You won last game

Your break Pierce

Bang!

What an amazing break

He sank three low balls

He cleans the table

But misses the eight

He leaves it in front of the left side pocket

My turn

I sink four balls in a row

There`s three balls left

It`s too hard to do them

I have to perform some type of safety shot

I miss the twelve

It slides

And the white ball is stuck

Between the bank and the twelve

Tom you fucking lucky bastard

I know, I know

And I`m thinking

You`re too damn stupid to realize

It wasn`t a mistake

I did that on purpose

That pitcher of beer is mine

Three banks eight side pocket

He did it!!!

Unfortunately the white balls

Keeps rolling and sinks in the corner pocket

Motherfucking piece of shit he screams

You weren`t lucky Pierce

Revenge match bro?

Sure thing

I get the pitcher and you rack them up

I walk next to Terry

This is how you do it

You win smoothly

You don`t destroy your opponent

You see

He`s thinking

He has a chance to beat me

He will be thinking the same thing

Over and over

All night

While paying the beer

Tom you`re full of shit

He scratched the eight ball

You could have lost that game

Ok then

Watch me play

I`ll make a believer out of you little girl

Your break Tom

Here goes

Bang!!!

I sink a couple of highs and lows

I sink the four

Two corner pocket

I miss

It`s blocking the corner pocket

Most of the high balls are in that area

Thirteen cross side

He misses

I clean the table

But miss the eight

It`s  blocking the same corner pocket

Where most of his balls are located

Fifteen corner pocket

He sinks it

Thirteen top corner pocket

He hits it too hard and scratches again

FUCKING SHIT MAN!!!

Eight corner pocket

Bang!!!

Sorry Piece

Here`s your pitcher of beer Tom

We play some more

And I win some more

Terry comes near me

And whispers to my ears

Pat was telling the truth all along

You`re a hustler Tom

Sure am girl

There`s a sucker born every minute

And this guys a living proof

I light up a smoke

Hey what`s your name babe?

I turn around and…

Standing in front of me is this

Tall, slim, slinky blonde girl

With never-ending legs

Spider-like

She has deep black eyes

Dark eyes in the dark

Dark eyes…

I`m speechless, hypnotised

I`m, I`m … Tom

I`m Rachel

Wanna play a game of pool with my brother Paul?

Maybe
and maybe we could hang out later

Well alright

Let`s go

Hey Paul pleased to meet you

Likewise I`m sure

Heads or tails?

Heads Tom

Tails my break

Wanna play for a pitcher of beer Paul?

I prefer scotch

I`m not into hard liquor dude

Play a game for five dollars

Maybe we could play a couple of games

We play a couple of games

And wouldn`t you know it

I win

Rachel comes next to me, pinches my ass

While kissing me

Maybe we should go to my place I say

It`s early Tom

Your brother is not a good player

I know…

Maybe you should bet more money

Clean his ass you know

How come, he`s your brother?

I don`t like his arrogant attitude

You can choose your friends

But not your family

Makes sense, I think

Hey Paul wanna play for twenty dollars?

I dunno

I keep losing

I can`t win all night you know

Got yourself a point

Let`s go

We play a couple of games

And I`m winning some more

Then…

I lose a game by accident

I lose another one by accident

Every time

I`m near winning the game

I fuck up and lose

Rachel is pinching my ass now and then

Sometimes she`s  playing with my hair

While kissing me passionately

It`s hard to play with half a boner

I lose another game

Time out Paul I say

Gotta take a leak my man

The washroom is full

The last cubicle is available

I enter & light up another smoke

And I`m thinking

I`m not lucky tonight   

There`s music playing in the background

I hear two guys talking together

They`re probably at the urinal

I`m not paying much attention

Until I hear Paul`s name

What the hell are they talking about?

That Paul what a hustler he is

He got himself another victim

Indeed Bruce, indeed

The poor fucker

I`m almost feeling sorry for him

Makes me laugh thought

How come ?

He thinks he`s gonna bang Rachel tonight

Only in his wet dreams

Nobody fucks Paul`s girlfriend

Except Paul

True

That Rachel what a babe

She can charm any guy anywhere

Yep

Is this true?

But I lost only a couple of games

Let`s see

I came here with two hundred dollars

There`s 5.00 $ for the cover charge

Plus about 25.00 $ for beer money

That`s thirty dollars

I open my wallet

There`s a dirty old twenty lying there

Jesus Christ !!!!

I`ve been hustled

Now I`m really pissed off

I light up another smoke

Trying to calm down

Hey Rachel

Hey Paul

You know I was thinking

It`s getting late

Wanna come to my place instead?

Maybe you should play some more

I prefer we`d go back to my place or yours?

Not yet do you want another drink?

I look her straight in the eyes

I know Paul`s your boyfriend

No he`s my brother

Bullshit

One of the customers told me

Suddenly her face is all red

What are you going to do

Nothing I say

What???

There`s nothing to do

I`ve been hustled by better hustlers

Kudos to you guys

I`m pissed off at myself

Though

I must say

I hustled a shitload of guys

And I never got caught

Must be karma or something

Gotta go

You taught me a good lesson

Which one?

Think with your brain and not with your cock

Later

I go back at our pool table

Hey guys

It`s getting late and I`m going home

Terry looks at me with a huge smile and says

You`re leaving because you`re full of cash

Aren`t you?

I`m just tired

And I`m going home that`s all

You don`t want to share with us?

Share what?

Now she`s really pissed off

YOU DON`T WANT SHARE?

FUCKING CHEAPSKATE!!!

Hey, I got hustled

All I have is twenty dollars left

Then I show her my wallet

WANT ME TO EMPTY MY POCKETS TOO?

How come you got hustled?

I though that Rachel was into me

I though I was gonna get laid

Turns out she`s the hustlers girlfriend

I was thinking with my cock and not me brains

I`m leaving

Ciao

I took off

Before anyone could answer me

Yes, I know

I`m a moron

And I really feel like one tonight.