A shitty affair
Went to Harvey`s for supper
Had two hot dogs, some fries
And a big ass root beer
I`m full
Feeling good
That`s what I call
Raw preproduction drinking
You make sure
Your stomach is full
Before engaging
In gambling and drinking activities
The food
Gets slowly digested
And
You won`t get drunk right away
Nice and slow that`s the way to do it
Nice and slow baby
You will eventually
Get drunk
But nothing like drunken craziness
More like a run of the mill
Drunken stupor
The next day
You`ll wake up
With maybe a small headache
That`s all
You`ll be functional
Almost normal
Dare I say decent
If there`s such a word
But anyways
It`s Friday night
I enter `Chez Margot`
Around 7.00 PM
The place is empty
There`s a new waitress
And Pierre`s sitting near the jukebox
He doesn`t look
Like your typical bouncer
He`a a skinny, 5 foot 9 guy
With long curly brown hair
He looks like a cool hippy
He`s a cool guy
Rarely gets mad
The last thing
You wanna do
Is fuck with him though
He has a black belt in karate
Now you`re thinking
Roadhouse
You`re totally wrong here
Though I`ve seen Pierre
Brawl with the best of them
His reputation precedes him
There`s rarely a fight here
There was a full bar room brawl once
I will talk about it later
Anyways
Back to our story
I say hi to Pierre
Wanna shoot some pool Tom ?
Sure thing
Play for a pitcher ?
I don`t like pitchers
Play for a small beer ?
Ok let`s go
Your break Pierre
Bang !!!
Three low ones on the break
Five top corner
Shit I missed
My turn
Fifteen left corner
Nine side pocket
Ten cross side
Eleven right corner
Fourteen right cross corner
Twelve combo side pocket
Thirteen left corner
Eight cross side
You fucker you cleaned the table
I know (with a grin on my face)
Sorry about your damn luck
A Budweiser will be fine
Revenge match Pierre ?
Sure thing let`s go
We play some more
I beat Pierre some more
Pierre`s my best victim
He`s trying to beat my ass
While emptying ashtrays
Cleaning the tables
Checking out the place
For troublemakers and whatnot
He can`t concentrate much
So I often win
He never gets mad at me though
That`s why I like him
Around 8.00 PM
My buddies are here
Pat and Chris in the house
Tom what the fuck is this ?
Three empty small buds ?
Where`s the pitchers ?
The place is empty
Aside from Pierre
There`s Paul here
Gerry`s at the bar
And Tina`s in the washroom
There`s nobody to hustle
You know what that means ?
We have to pay for beer
Downer dudes
Next Friday
We`re going to Pizza Plaza
Pat says
Good idea
Yeah nobody knows Tom there
Sure thing
We spend the evening drinking some
Smoking some
And drinking some more
We only stop for a piss break
Except me
You see
I`m a dromedary
I keep lots of liquids inside
I rarely take a leak
But when I do
It`s because I`m full
I don`t have a choice
I urinate about two or three times
In the evening
I takes me approximately
a minute and a half to piss
it`s that time again
I light up a smoke
Get up
And enter the washroom
As soon as I enter
Something doesn`t feel right
Something`s wrong here
What the fuck is this ?
Paul`s sitting on the washbasin
With his pants and boxers pulled down
The fuck are you doing Paul I ask
What does it looks like I`m doing
I`m taking a shit
What`s wrong with you ?
There`s an empty washroom just here I point
I know
Then why are you taking a dump
On the washbasin ?
Every night
I hate the fucker
He thinks he`s so cool
`cause he has a black belt
`cause he`s got long curly hair
`cause he`s fucking Julian
Well I got something for him
Something big
Something ugly
And something really stinky
Wait until he comes in here
To clean the washroom
He`s gonna have a heart attack
Paul that`s not cool man
I don`t care
I can`t wait to see the expression on his face
Tom you`re not gonna report me
Are you ?
You know I`m not a stool pigeon
I hate stools
Then I`m thinking
Better get out of here first
So Pierre won`t think
I thrashed the washbasin
I finish my piss
Wash my hands and exit the place fast
Then sit down
Light up another smoke
Look at my two buddies
Straight in the eyes
And say
Guys I`m serious
Don`t go in the washroom right now
And why is that Pat asks
There`s a huge shit in the washbasin
What ?
You joking Tom ?
Does it looks like I`m joking ?
Oh shit here`s Pierre
He picks up his mop
Enters the washroom
It must have taken
Ten seconds maybe
Suddenly
Bang !!!
He kicks the door open
WHO THE FUCK TOOK A SHIT IN THE WASHBASIN ?
He screams loudly
The place is silent
Nobody answers
He looks at me
I try
But I can`t help myself
And start laughing
He comes near me
You think it`s funny Tom ?
You did that ?
Of course not
You know who did ?
I don`t know sweet fuck all
He goes back
And cleans the mess
The rest of the evening
Was pretty ordinary
We split up
After last call
The next day.
Saturday night
7.45 PM
Chez Margot again
playing pool with Pierre
Tom what you did yesterday
Was wrong man
I don`t understand
You knew it was Paul
Who took a shit and dirtied the washbasin
And you didn`t tell me
I don`t know what you`re talking about
Did you know when you were talking
Someone else overheard you guys
You see Gerry was in the closed washroom
Taking also a shit
He told me everything after last call
I`m sorry Pierre
I`m not the kind of person
Well…
I`m not a stool pigeon
I know I forgive you
But Paul when he comes in
And I know he will
He`s here every night
I`ll throw him out
The fucker will never come back here
Yeah I know Tom I`ll tell him
There was somebody else
In the washroom
Who overheard you guys
Then at the same time
I see Paul outside
Going near the entrance
He races to the entrance
Goes outside
Kicks Paul in the face
Paul falls on his back
Kinda shocked, speechless
While Pierre screams at him
God knows what he`s jabbering about
Picks up his pool stick
Eight ball corner pocket Tom
You owe me a small Bud
Sorry about your damn luck
Revenge match Tom ?
No thanks, I`ve had enough
Paul never came back here
No one ever mentioned his name
His whereabouts are unknown
That was the last time I saw Paul
I miss him though
The pizza delivery guy
Who looks like a used car salesman
He must be dead
Because this story happened
More than fifteen years ago
He`s either drinking top quality beers
With the angels
Or drinking warm, stale 0.5 % beer
In a warm place
If there`s such a thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment