TFTTDH # 19

The redneck from Sault St-Marie

I get a call from Pat

Chris moved… again

He needed a bigger place

He has a roommate now

Cool

I just hope it`s not one of those morons Pat

I dunno man 

I never met the guy

We`re going to the Peel pub tonight

Wanna join us Tom?

Yeah sure thing bro

It`s been a while

I know

Good place to get drunk for cheap

Dirt cheap

What time do we meet?

Around seven thirty eight o`clock

I`ll meet you guys inside

It`s always crowded so we have to be early

And I`m an early drinking bird

You`ll find a table for us then?

Of course bro

I`m a team player

Cool thanks man

Don`t mention it

See you later alligator

Ciao amigo

I light up a smoke

I`m dead tired

I didn`t sleep for a week

I`m gonna take a shower

Hopefully

I`ll feel better

Stronger

More technology

After the shower

I`m cool, relaxed

Too calm

I pass out on me couch

Later on

I hear a small buzzing sound

Da fuck is this?

The phone again

Hello

TOM WHERE DA HELL ARE YOU MAN?

Pat is that you?

MORON IT`S EIGHT O`CLOCK!!!

HOW COME YOU`RE STILL HOME???

Sorry bro I passed out on me couch

Insomnia?

Yeah I`ve had trouble sleeping the last couple of days

I understand

You`re staying home then?

Of course not

You woke me up and now I`m thirsty again

I`m getting dressed and I`ll meet you there

Ok

See you guys later

Good we`ll be waiting

Save me a seat

Of course

Cool

Later

Later

I get dressed and exit my apartment

I light up a well deserved smoke

Regarding cigarettes

I like them strong which means

I`m into Players special blend king size

Or

Players filter king size

Otherwise

A pack of Kent will do

I`m in luck

The bus is here

After the bus ride I take the metro

I get off at Peel station

I arrive at the Peel pub around nine

Motherfucker there`s a lineup

Fortunately

I`m friends with Duke

He`s one of the bouncers

You feed an animal once

Next time it sees you

It thinks you`re it`s meal ticket

Bouncers are the same

First time I came here

I gave Duke five dollars tip

HEY TOM WAZZUP!!!

I`m alright

And you?

Busy man the place is crowded

I know this lineup will take forever

Sorry man

I open my wallet

Take out five dollars

I understand Duke

But I`m sooooooooooo thirsty you know

My friends are waiting for me inside

He sees the five spot

Your friends are inside?

Yep

Follow me then

We pass the lineup

There`s this small asian guy staring at me

HOW COME HE PASS IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY???

HE DON`T WAIT IN LINE?

Listen son this is a private matter here

Duke approaches him

Stares him straight in the eyes

You wouldn`t want any troubles

WOULD YOU?

No no problems it`s cool man

As soon as I`m done with this gentlemen 

I`ll be back and find you a nice spot

You`re cool with that

Yes me cool

Hey my friends are here

Thanks for the help Duke

Here keep the change

Well merci mon Tom

Anytime man

Hey guys

Hey Tom!

BIG SEXY IN DA HOUSE!

Have a seat

Sure thing

I`m Beau pleased to meet you

Bo?

Like Bo Diddley?

No Beau

B-E-A-U

Beau

Like cute in English

I`m sorry man I barely speak French

I know a couple of words though

Like?

Ostie de colice de tabarnakle

We all start to laugh

It`s alright Beau we`ll continue in English

Thanks

Don`t mention it

I light up a smoke that`s when I notice

A lot of girls are staring at us

Trying to figure out why

I look around

That`s when I realize

Beau`s a babe

He`s got dirty blond hair

He`s six foot two

Around 160 pounds

Cowboy boots

Tight white jeans

Grey shirt

He looks like a white trash version of Jon Bon Jovi

He`s a regular chick magnet

This is a good thing

We might get some ass tonight

So like Beau

Where do you come from?

Sault St-Marie Ontario

You come from the Sault?

Yep ever been there?

I stayed there a weekend

My ex girlfriend came from the Sault

Really?

You`re not bullshitting?

Of course not

Didn`t come here to bullshit came here to drink

Do I look like a fucking politician?

We all start to laugh

What did you do during that weekend in the Sault?

The usual

The usual?

Have sex and get drunk

Or the opposite in no particular order

Did you go out?

Sure did I checked out a couple of dive bars

Like?

I got barred from Top Hat Billiards

How come?

Hustling pool players what else

You`re a pool shark?

No

I`m a hustler

Ah it`s all the same

No

There`s a difference

A shark is a professional pool player

Who will gamble for lots of money

Against professional pool players only

Whilst a hustler

Like moi

Hustles people

And tries not to get caught doing so

Like the devil

His biggest accomplishment

Is to make you believe he doesn`t exist

Except that time

I got caught in a turmoil

Turmoil?

I was winning so much so easily

I got carried away

I wasn`t subtle at all

I was careless

You know Becky the bartender with pink hair?

A little

Well she told me to stop

Because people were pointing at me

I didn`t listen

Like usual

When I was about to leave

One of the bouncers

Came close to me

And said

Listen man

If you ever come here again

I`m not responsible for what will happen to you

What for?

You`ve just about hustled everybody here

Who me?

Yes you

Check how much cash you made tonight

Ehhh…

Don`t answer my question

I highly recommend

For your own sake

That you never

EVER

Show your baby face here

AGAIN

Sure thing

Needless to say Beau

I never

EVER

Went there

AGAIN

Ah ah ah

One thing peculiar about Beau

This guy drinks like a fish

The pitchers are huge at the Peel pub

I drank half of my first one

Beau just finished his second pitcher

He`s ready to order a third one

This is not a good sign

If we`re lucky, he`ll pass out while drinking

If not

He might get sick

Stir up some kinda shit like a fight or something

Or

He`ll remain remotely normal like all of us

Only time will tell

I light up another smoke

My spider sense is tingling

Someone or something is watching me

I look around

Nothing

Hey wait a minute

At the bar

I see this tall black girl

With curly long hair

Wearing a short, oh so damned short mini-skirt

Long skinny legs

Like a black spider

A black widow spider

A black diamond in the rough

A black panther perhaps

Hey, I`ll take my chances

I get up

Walk slowly

Trying to act / look cool

Trying to hide my state of semi drunkenness

If that`s a possibility

Hey girl, how are ya?

Feeling fine and you?

Feeling finer already

Ah ah ah

You`re a slight little devil aren`t you?

The devil in missus Jones honey

Indeed

So like who`s the babe

Tom`s the name and babe`s my game

Not you

I`m talking about the Jon Bon Jovi lookalike

That

That would be Beau

Now I`m feeling a little disappointed

I want him

C`mon introduce me

Be useful for a change

What a nasty attitude

Imagine when she`s making out

DAMNED!!!

Ok let`s go I`ll introduce you

About time

We arrive at our table

Pat is having a smoke

Beau looks weird though

Is eyes are rolling strangely

HOLY FUCKING MOLLY!!!

He`s totally wasted

This is gonna be fun to watch

Let the games begin

So like

What is a cute boy like you doing in a dump like this?

Unh???

Beau stares at her and says

Youse a black chick

Say what?

He gets up

Unzip his pants

Grabs his dick and says

NIGGAH CHICK WANTS SOME WHITE MEAT FO SUPPAHH!!!

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

She kicks him in the balls

He lands on the table behind him

The table collapses

I see a lot of bottles crashing on the floor

What a waste I`m thinking

Four Asian guys where at the table

They help Beau get up

He`s staggering

LEMME GO YOU FUCKKKING CHINKS!!!

MOTHAFUKA!!!

One of them smashes a beer bottle on Beau`s head

He falls on his ass

Again

Lucky him he`s not bleeding

He`s sporting a big bump on his forehead

Sorry guys don`t mind my friend

He`s just drunk

And extremely stupid

Is ok

MUTHAFUKA HE DON`T WANNA FUCK WITH US!!!

Nobody wanna fuck with you guys for sure

Sorry again

TOM!!!

HEY TOM!!!

Yes Duke what is it?

You have to get out

You`re friends rude and impolite

He`s a rascist piece o`shit

We don`t tolerate this kinda behevior here

It`s ok man we`re leaving

I don`t like trouble either

You know me

I do know you and appreciate you Tom

Especially when I give him a big tip

I know man

We`re leaving sorry for all the troubles

It`s cool see you around

See you

Beau`s so damned drunk he needs help just standing up

So we carry him

Let`s grab a cab guys

We`ll split the ride

Good idea Pat

We get inside a big green station wagon

Frontenac metro station please

Yes sir

Tom the metro`s closed at this time

I know

We can take bus # 357 after

What`s that?

St-Michel night bus

We`ll save some cash

More drinking money next time

Good thinking

I pay the fee my treat guys

Thanks Tom

Don`t mention it

I don`t know if I`m the only one

Who noticed the driver`s black

And I don`t want asshole

I mean Beau

To open his racist mouth again

We exit the cab

We`re in luck tonight

The bus arrives right away

We enter

Holly shit I`m thinking

The bus is half full

We`re the only whites in here

I hope asshole

I mean Beau stays put

I wanna live long and prosper

We`re sitting in the back

I`m sitting near the back exit

Just in case

Better be safe than sorry

We pass a couple of bus stations

And Beau stays put

I thought we were gonna make it

Boy was I wrong

At the corner of Laurier he sort of wakes up or something

IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE!!!!

WHAT IS THIS NIGGAH TOWN!!!

ALL TAKE YOU ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!

MY FRIEND PAT WILL KICK YOUR ASSES TOO!!!

CHRIS AND TOM WILL HELP ME!!!

We look at him

Totally shocked

Pat gets up grabs him by the throat

Shoves him on the floor

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEAU!!!

YEAH SHUT UP!!!

Chris turns around

I`m sorry my friend is drunk

And he`s incredibly stupid too

We`re not like him

Beau gets up

YOUSA BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES

I`LL TAKE THEM NIGGAHS MYSELF

He tries to walk

But falls on his back

Everybody looks at him

We all laugh

He looks so damned ridiculous

I help him get up

Have a seat and please stay put

He spits in my face

I punch him in the stomach

He falls on the floor again

He seems in pain

But not enough to shut up

YOUSE A NIGGAH LOVER, ARE YA?

Before I could do / say anything

There`s this huge black guy who gets up

Grabs Beau by the throat and lifts him up

LISTEN SON

IF I HEAR YOU SAY THE WORD N AGAIN

YOU`LL BE GOING CAMPING

UNDER AN OXYGEN TENT PERMANENTLY

DO I MAKE MYSEL CLEAR?

Uhhh

I SAID

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR

Yeah sure

He lets him go

Motherfucking nigger

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Nothing, nothing at all

I thought so

Everybody is staring at us

You could hear a bee flying

It`s so silent

I can sense anger, frustration in the air

And I`m thinking

We`re safe inside

What happens when we get out?

I decide to exit right away

I don`t mind walking home

I get up

Ok guys this is my stop I`m leaving

Ciao Tom

Goodnight dude

They didn`t realize a thing

They`re scarred shitless and can`t think straight

Good for me

I came home around three a.m.

I didn`t hang out with Chris and Pat

And assshole

I mean Beau

For a couple of weeks

After awhile I get a call from Pat

How come you`re not calling me anymore?

You angry at me or something?

Not at all

I wanna live long and prosper

I don`t want to hang out with rednecks

Racist hicks and what not

I understand

Don`t worry though

I kicked him out the next day

You have a new roommate now?

Yes

You know him it`s Chris

Good thing

Peel pub tonight?

I`ll meet you guys there

Beau came from Sault St-Marie

He could have come from Montréal

Ville St-Laurent

New York

India

Tokyo

The world is full of

Rednecks

Hicks

White trash

Religious / political fanatics

Human garbage

Racist / sexist closed minded bigots

Look around

They`re everywhere

Makes you proud to be human

Doesn`t it?

Signing off.