Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 3

When I was a young chap (a couple of centuries ago) I would go clubbing / cruising every weekend with my two friends. There`s Pat, the small, tough as nails, silent rebel, and also Chris, the loud mouth, accident prone type. Last but not least, I`m Tom, the one in the middle.    

Rise of the it
It was a Friday night
Around eight o` clock p.m.
I was waiting for a phone call
From Chris
or Pat
or both
we where supposed to go out together
I was dressing up
Trying to look good, if that` s a possibility
While having a smoke
The phone rang, it was Chris
Hey man you ready to go out
Of course bro
I` m fucking thirsty and horny
In no particular order
Where you wanna go?
Oh one of our usual dives
You mean one of them hellholes on St-Laurent street
Exactly my man
I` ll go anywhere except café Cléopatre
I don` t wanna go there either
What about Chris ?
He should be here in a couple of minutes
Where you guys want to meet up ?
Let` s see around nine thirty p.m.
St-Laurent street corner of St-Catherine
In front of La Belle Province
Done deal my man
I` ll see you guys there
I arrive there nine fifteen pm
It` s cold and humid
Now it` s starting to rain

I enter La Belle Province, order a hotdog
lotsa cabbage and hot mustard
I pay, have a seat next to the entrance
I` m inside, nice and warm
It` s nine forty five and I` m waiting
Ten o` clock, still fucking waiting
They arrive around ten thirty
Google eyes and gone
How come you` re so damn late I ask
Did you guys smoke up without me again ?
Just a little bit
But we have some more, ah, ah, ah…

We go in the back alley, smoke a couple of doobies
Now we` re back on St-Laurent street
All buzzed and stoned out of our minds
Chilling out
Where should we go Chris asks
I dunno man
Maybe we should go to Tavern Alouette Pat says
Good idea man
I think it` s worst than Midways
That` s why I wanna go there Pat says
Let` s go
You know you` re going to a real dive
When you open the door, and realize it` s a huge metal door
With bulletproof glass
We sit down , light up some smokes
Waiter arrives 6 foot 6, dark air he weights around 250 pounds
250 pounds of muscles
he looks mean and tough
I` m thinking to myself
Is he a waiter, a bouncer or both ?
We order some pitchers, pay up and start drinking fast

We` re thirsty like hell
That` s what happens when you smoke up too much
A couple of pitchers later
And all the ugly whores start to look good
Ah, the joys of drunken oblivion
Then she walked in
It was a transvestite
He was trying
To act / look like a girl
Was it a she?
Or maybe an he?
I don` t know
It was an it
let` s call it and it
It was
A six foot three
Barney Gumbles look a like

With a tight mini skirt
Unshaved legs
And testicles hanging out
Maybe it was wearing
A g string
A thong
Or nothing at all probably
A big, hairy set of balls indeed
Upon seeing this
After smoking a couple of joints
And drinking a shitload of  beer
Pat, Chris and myself
We tried
But we couldn` t control ourselves
And started laughing loudly
It walks next to me
Pulls out a butterfly knife

Sticks it on my neck
And with a nosy voice, says
You find that funny bitch
No sir
Then at the same time I notice
Da rack
It had really big tits
And I was thinking
Are those implants?
Fake boobs?
Or silicon valley territory?
It realized I was staring at it` s breasts
Grabs them both and says
You can` t afford those bitch
And me
Being the drunken moron that I am
I wouldn` t even fuck you with my friends dick here
Next thing I know someone punches me on the face
I fall on my back, lose my glasses
I` m trying to get up then I get kicked in the head
Without my glasses I` m blind as a bat
Someone falls on the floor close to me
I bash it` s head on the concrete
It` s all blurry but I see chairs flying 
People throwing beer bottles, glasses
It` s escalating fast
Becoming a full bar room brawl
I` m still trying to find my fucking glasses
Pat helps me get up
You have my glasses bro?
No, Chris has them
Where is he?
Outside I guess
We hear police sirens in the background
Closing in fast
We have to get out before the cops come in
I see a dark shadow appearing in front of me
I kick it in the balls
And I grab something big before it slowly falls on the floor
A big plastic structure
C` mon Tom let` s get the hell out of here
Cops are coming
What the fuck are you holding dude?
Shut up and run man
We split up and I take a cab

Go back to my place, lay on my couch
Fall a sleep immediately
The next day Chris gives me back my glasses
What` s  that thing on your couch Tom?
The transvestites fake plastic boobs
That story happened more than twenty years ago
Those fake plastic breasts
They sure are a good pillow indeed.

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